My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
