Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
