accomplished twins. life is a go
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
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