I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize