i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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