see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
