just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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