I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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