I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
