Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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