Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize