You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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