Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Randomize
