She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
