moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
