"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
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