There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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