I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
