Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Randomize
