you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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