Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
