I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
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