so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
She's not a foreskin expert like you
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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