Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
