I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
porn star boner night. come get it.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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