I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
