Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
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