Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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