Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
