Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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