I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
