Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
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