He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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