No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
