You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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