I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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