When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
