She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
