can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Randomize