Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
