apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
