no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
