my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
