i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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