I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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