the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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