my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
