Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
