The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I am one with the molecules
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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