It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
