so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
May the power of my ass compel you!!
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
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