I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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