I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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