Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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