What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
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