Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
