His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
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