That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Still dying that you shit outside
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
