Banned from zoo.
Again?
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
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