Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
