he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
You're earring is so big in my mouth
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Randomize
