Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
