I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
