Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
