My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
