Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize