I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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